I have struggled with this for a while, and this whole rule is kind of f*cking with my brain in the butt with a brick, as it just makes me feel worse for doing it.
I've been interested in Witchcraft since I was little, and my mother gave me this book with information on items and their magickal properties, as well as meditation, grounding, and how to make spells. She also had this Jeanie bottle in her room, and she let me talk to it privately when I was little.
As of August this year, I am 17 now (and not nearly as close to her as I was years ago), and I'm interested in taking it more seriously, and becoming Wicca. I have cast spells before, but they involve concentrating and meditating. I find I have trouble with this as it is often hard for me to relax, and my mind constantly wanders.
I am also an athiest for personal reasons, and I do believe in the power of the universe.
Anyway, I'm going way off track, I tend to do this. I guess I want you to know at least a bit about me, to better explain my problem.
I've been self-harming for several years, due to many things I don't really want to get into. But I'm not supposed to harm anyone, even myself.
I've been trying to recover for about two and a half years (mind you I was forced into recovery when I was at a point where I didn't want to, and wasn't ready to let go - but now I have to stop, not only because of this rule, but because my scars and the problems that come along with the scars are emotionally hurting me and making me feel worse). This rule of harming none is making me feel terrible.
I haven't done it in 8 weeks now, but I can feel it coming on, like it's crawling on my back.
The problem is that hurting myself makes me feel worse about myself, the scars are humiliating, I feel like I'm weak and powerless and recovery seems so impossible for me, and sometimes when I'm deep in this hole again I feel like it literally is impossible for me, and I just feel like I've let myself down, I've let everyone down, I've let the universe down, and the rule of three will come back to me for doing it.
Every time I slip-up, I just feel terrible in every single way. And feeling terrible fuels this urge more, and it's just a vicious cycle, running or spinning around in circles, trying to work as a screw to pull myself out. But this isn't working.
All of my problems cause more problems.
And the problem is, that despite the problems my problem (with self-harm) causes me, I still need it.
